You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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