my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
