note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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