I wish I could teleport
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
