Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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