I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
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