nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
