i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
