hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
