just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
