I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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