i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Randomize
