OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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