My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
