____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
