Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
