My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
