upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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