does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
So much rum. So many feels.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
