she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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