why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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