can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
