dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize