i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
