I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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