my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
