That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
