ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
