I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
