Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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