I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
