good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
