Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
