I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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