she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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