I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
