I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I didn't notice because vodka
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
