I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
