good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
