im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
