When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
