He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
