if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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