just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
