A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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