my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
