it hurts more in the daytime
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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