woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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