roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
