It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
