I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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