All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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