it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
