I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
