mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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