Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
