I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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