I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
