Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
