i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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