Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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