I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
please come you make the beer taste better
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Randomize
